First Impressions: Your Username (Part One of a Series)

Your username, along with a tiny (and often indecipherable) thumbnail, is the first thing people people see when browsing the dating site or checking their inbox. So, you know, it's kind of important.

Let's take mine, for example. It's the first album my favorite band ever released, and also one of my favorite usernames for a bit of irony we won't mention (for that would give it away, and I don't want the word getting out that I'm ruthlessly mocking these guys!). But it works in two ways. Fans of said band will recognize me as a fellow fan, which is a point in my favor. Those who are unfamiliar with the band will see a unique username (you'll never get it confused with anyone else, I promise). Win-win.

There seem to be 4 general categories of usernames- Variations on Your Given Name, Descriptive, Humorous, and Dating Site Cliches.

Variations on Your Given Name

These tend to be pretty neutral, and usually look something like this: JohnnyMac26, JimmyinFl, etj07, etc. They really only work against you if you have a name with negative connotations (I'm looking at you, Francis. And you too, Gunther.) But they lack something, and tend to be forgettable. A better tactic is to include a humorous or descriptive statement with your name- BrandonSaysNo, jaredlovestacos, MayhemJay.

Descriptive

These tend to be pretty successful, because they entice potential suitors to view your profile. I'm lumping a lot of things in this category, including any references to your interests or hobbies (such as taking the name of your favorite fictional character, or your favorite band's first album as the case may be) or your personality, or in very limited circumstances, physical descriptors. Some examples of good descriptive usernames: IHearTheMusic, mythologyprof, ArizonArtist, DCAdventurer. For the physical descriptors, you have to be careful- I don't want to know how hot you are, how big your cock is, or how sculpted your abs are. DasBeard, gingermenace, fireeyedblamp. They reference neutral physical characteristics- facial hair, hair color, eyes.

Humorous

Pretty self-explanatory- puns, pop-culture references, wordplay. I enjoy armyofdorkness and HommeSkillet.


Dating Site Cliches

I probably won't answer you, BlueEyedPoetic, DarkRomantic, FLGentleman, or niceguy4u. [anything]4u is the quickest way to get a "pass!" from me, I have an irrational hatred of that cliche. I would hope that being an outdoorsman, gentleman, nice guy, chef, poet, or musician is something you do for yourself, not to get dates. Likewise, I am very suspicious of guys with usernames that tell me how romantic, sweet, cuddly, or poetic they are. Women aren't nearly so gullible, guys, and you can demonstrate your generous, sensitive side through words and actions rather than usernames.

Really Bad Ideas

The aforementioned references to your penis, your sexual prowess, your hotness, etc. I would have thought that was obvious, but I still see FantasyFuking, goodatsex, and RonJeremyJr. Note: anyone who publicly announces their skill in the sack probably sucks more than a Hanoi whore, and anyone who proclaims their hotness immediately becomes the opposite of hot.

Stay tuned for the next part of the First Impressions series- how your profile picture prevents you from getting laid.

Turning the Tables

Let's examine a different perspective- guys who are completely disappointed in me.

That's me. As you can see, I may not exactly conform to society's feminine ideal. This is a photo I currently have on my dating profile, but until I conscripted a friend to do a photo shoot for me, all I had were head shots. I thought the chubby cheeks would give me away, but apparently I was wrong.

There were several dates where it was obvious that the guys were expecting someone thinner, and after a couple of hours of polite conversation we called it a night and that was the end of it. But one guy in particular...

A little backstory. I'd chatted with this guy (we'll call him Ben) about our similar musical tastes. I asked him out for coffee one evening on a day that I had inadvertently double-booked myself. I had an afternoon date with one guy, and an evening date with Ben. So I rushed back from my afternoon date (with an awesome guy, Evan, that I ended up dating for a couple of months) to meet Ben.

It became obvious to me about 20 minutes into the date that Ben kind of sucked. First off, he wasn't as attractive as I thought he'd be- a let-down, but not a deal-breaker. He had this really huge nose, a la Cyranno de Bergerac. Although it managed to be pretty photogenic- still don't understand that one. But he was, well, lame.

Lame like, sheltered. I mean, if your idea of a *crazy funny* story is how one night, you dispatched a tow truck to a really drunk guy.... *crickets* ....um, yeah. Wow, I would never be able to introduce you to my friends, because you're a weenie. Also, lame as in, oblivious. He kept raising his voice over the noise from the acoustic band that was playing, despite glares from the audience and snide comments from the barista. Geez, did you ever think that all these people huddled appreciatively around this band might be here to enjoy them? And until we get our drinks and go sit outside, maybe it would be best to keep conversation to a minimum since you're obviously unable to keep your freaking voice down?

So, I say to myself, have a cup of coffee, chat for an hour or two, then go home and ignore his calls. I do a lot of that, no big deal. But apparently, I was too hideous for him to even look at. Or he was ashamed to be sitting at a coffee shop with such a disgusting fatty. Or something.

Maybe 15 minutes into the date, he gets a text message. Oh, ha ha, look, my friend sent me a funny picture of a luchador. He sends a quick response, and apologizes for the interruption. I think nothing of it. But then, 10 minutes later or so, he gets a phone call. *Exaggerated puzzled face* "Wait.. why is he calling me? I told him I was on a date... I'm sorry, I have to take this, it might be important."

OK, fine, I'm gonna get me a sammich. I overhear his theatrical response to whatever's being said- "What happened? What do you mean? *gasp* OMG!" He runs up, says, "I'm so sorry, I had a lovely time, but I've got an emergency and I've got to go. We should do this again sometime," and he rushes out the door.

Huh. So I don't have to spend another hour wondering how the hell you stumbled upon such great bands, yet manage to suck so badly? Cool. But then I started thinking, about the text message, and the melodramatic phone call, etc. He had an escape plan for lame dates! And he used it on me.

Dude. Superlame.

Why Are They So Persistent?

Here's the deal. A few emails, or even one date, do not create some sort of 'relationship.' You do not need to 'break up' with the guy you went on an awkward date with. In fact, I think it would be strange to tell someone, "Hey, you seem cool, but you just don't do it for me," unless you've a) gone on several (like, more than 3) dates or b) had sex.

I go on a lot of dates. Sometimes, the guys are totally normal, just not quite what I was looking for. When this happens, I just don't call them back, and don't make future plans. But sometimes, even after a long period without communication or encouragement, they still try. And I don't get this.

For instance, DJ. Very intelligent and thoughtful messages led to a date for coffee. But I realized, a little ways into the date, that I didn't find him attractive. For me, this has more to do with someone's personality than their looks. He was objectively fairly cute, but several things turned me off. First, he was quite a bit (10 years) older than I am. Now, that's not a deal breaker right off the bat, in fact I secretly have a crush on another guy who is also 10 years older than I am. However, we have to be in roughly the same place in our lives for this to work, and DJ just.... wasn't. I couldn't imagine him going to the places I like to frequent, or if he did, looking very out of place. Also, he was religious. I'm a bit put off by someone who refers to Christianity as "my faith." Plenty of people out there identify as Christians because that's all they know, but referring to it in such a fashion tells me he's fairly serious, and I don't like that. Not to mention that the comment was basically, "Well, that's why I like my faith, it's obviously so much better than Islam." Totally uncool, I have a soft spot for the Middle East, and I get really annoyed by the way it's perceived in the west.

I thought DJ was an all right guy, and might be fun to hang out with platonically, so I tentatively made plans for another date. As the day approached, however, I had legitimate issues that prevented me from getting together with DJ. I told him, and he offered a raincheck. But the longer I thought about it, the less I wanted to. He obviously was interested romantically, and I didn't want to deal with that, so when he texted me asking what I was doing with my 3-day weekend (working two doubles and trying to catch up on homework, Happy Labor Day!) I ignored it.

I figured that was enough... I mean, if I were interested I would have contacted him at some point in the last few days, right? But no, he sent me another text message tonight while I was in class, asking if I wanted to get together soon.

I'm sort of baffled by all this. If a guy stops responding to me for some reason, I assume that means he's no longer interested. I just don't invest much until there's something to invest in, and a single date and a few IMs are not enough to do that. I go on dates with guys to eliminate the weirdos and crazies and uncool. Once you pass that test, *then* I decide whether or not I want to pursue a relationship with you.

I have no illusions that the way people present themselves online (or the way I perceive them) is the way they actually are in real life. That's what coffee dates are for.

But why is it that so many of these guys want to pursue a relationship when (IMO) we're obviously not compatible and have no chemistry? Is it just because they're horny bastards and think I'm cute? WTF?

My first online stalker

This all started when I first signed up. I got a message from a guy who lived about two hours away from me, and we talked a bit, but obviously the distance was an issue. But, he seemed nice, so we were friends on MySpace and chatted on AIM occasionally.

Then I started dating someone exclusively, and sort of forgot about this guy (we'll call him David). But, when that relationship didn't work out we started talking again. I thought to myself, why not push yourself a little? I had a friend who was dating someone in this distant city also, so I figured I'd hitch a ride with her when she went to visit her boyfriend and actually meet this David character I'd been casually chatting with for the better part of 6 months.

We exchanged phone numbers, and that's when the problems started. I'm not a big phone fan, so most of my calls are under 5-10 minutes and usually involve no more discussion than what's the plan for tonight/where should we meet/can you return that book I lent you.

David, however, wanted to talk for hours. Literally. He'd call, and we'd start talking, and despite my having plans, he'd suck me into to these long and, eventually, boring conversations. I'd try to gently let him go, and he'd get disappointed that I couldn't spend the entire afternoon on the phone. And then he'd call back, 3 hours later, after spending an hour talking to me already.

I started selectively answering my phone, and he got crazier. He'd call 4, 5, 6 times a day.

That freaked me right out. We'd tentatively made plans for the upcoming weekend, and he started talking like we were already dating. He wanted me to spend the night, and he talked about future cuddling and sex like it was going to happen. I don't know, until I actually meet and interact with a person, if I'm going to want to do it to them, so I certainly don't make those sorts of assumptions.

So I decided I wasn't going to meet him, since he seemed like a freaky-deaky-crazy-pants. And he continued to call, 8 times a day, and I avoided him, hoping he'd get the hint. I didn't really want to talk to him, and since we hadn't even met yet I figured the old avoidance tactic would do it.

It didn't. I had to send him a message so he'd get it. I told him he was freaking me and out seemed clingy and weird.

And the kicker- he still wanted to be "friends." Like we had any sort of history that would make that normal! No, dude, you're just a weird guy that I talked to online, thinking you were normal. Once you revealed your crazy, you forfeited all rights to talk to me.

I should have told him that, but I just told him it would make me uncomfortable. Then I blocked him on AIM and the dating website. Thank goodness he doesn't know where I live.