But we've only just met....

I found this little gem in my inbox today. I can't even comment on it except to say, wow.

so there you would be laying on that hammock looking out to the water at a beach resort, and i walk up and say, im sorry to bother you, but I have never seen a woman as beautiful as you. And I notice you are finishing a drink and I say, can I have the pleasure of buying you another? and you reply, well i really shouldn't but ok. So I walk away but as I walk away I cant keep my eyes off you and I trip, then I look back to see if you saw what happened and we both smile in a laughing way. When I get back you hold your hand out to grasp the glass saying thank you but I say, a queen like you need not hold the glass herself let me hold it for you while you sip and I hold the glass close enough for you taste it, its at that time I notice how your beautiful lips wrap around the straw and I think to myself how sexy and soft they look.

A few minutes go buy and the sun has just set into the water and you say, I am feeling so achy from this hammock, I think I an going to go back to my hotel room and relax. Then I ask you if you would like me to rub you down because I cant bare to see a woman like you in any pain, mentally or physically. You reply, I would love that, and you hand me your room key and tell me to show up in 20 minutes and just let myself in.

20 minutes later I unlock your room door and come in to discover you lying in the bed face down with just a sheet covering you and you seem tired and on the verge of falling asleep. I sit on the edge of the bed and softly stroke your hair and you realize im there and say, I thought you would never get here, and you point to some baby oil on the dresser and say, I need to be pampered. Unable to deny your commands, I walk over and get the oil and I see your pretty feet sticking out from under the sheet at the end of the bed.

Its at that time I grab the sheet and slowly pull it off your body revealing that you are naked. Almost drooling at the sight of you feminine skin I start to lightly stroke and touch you with my fingertips all over your back and legs. after a couple minutes I open the oil and slowly start letting it drip out of the bottle in little drops all over you, I know you are enjoying it from the soft sounds you are making. Then when your body is covered in oil i start with rubbing your feet, there is soft latin music on and the lights are dim.

as I move up your legs I cant believe how soft your skin is and I tell you that. After your legs I decide I need to put more oil on you so I get the bottle again and I start squeezing some out on your back and some of the oil runs down the crack of your buttock and you make a soft gasping sound that almost sounds orgasmic, then I rub your back taking my time on your neck and shoulders and then your arms. Then I say how did that feel? and you say, it feels so good, then I gently roll you over on your back and again i start with your feet rubbing oil all over them, then slowly up your legs and belly.

Then when I get to your chest I feel like i need permission so i ask, may I rub oil on your perfect breasts? and you say you dont have a choice you are going to do it, and I pour a big handful of oil into my hand and start softly caressing them paying allot of attention to your nipples as they become more and more hard as I go. After the oil massage I take you by the hand into the bathroom and give you a bath to get all the oil off of your precious body.

That would probably be a lot less creepy if he'd just sent it to Penthouse instead of some strange girl on the Internet.

Your Desperation Has Oozed Out Of My Screen And Is In Danger Of Short-Circuiting My Keyboard

I know I haven't updated in forever, but on a whim I checked my inbox and couldn't help but share. See, the dating site has a mystery match app, whereby they send you a notification that they've found someone who's a good match, who fits your parameters, and who also lists X as an interest, just like you do. So you send them a message about X, without knowing who you're messaging. The recipient will then see your message, and if they like your profile they'll respond. It's a nifty way to start conversations with people without a lot of pressure, because if they don't like your profile and don't respond, you'll never know who it was.

I got a message through this service today (it announces it before the message- you were selected as one of this guy's mystery matches). Here is the entire message, with identifying information deleted.

hello, my name is michael ---- and i read your profile.... i respect everything you wrote there upon. I currently work at a software developing company named --------- in Orlando... im 23 but i look younger... i have no muscles so im not like the strongest dude around... all im asking is that you chat with me maybe you might like the kinda person i am..... I have my own little condo in altamonte springs and i am a computer programmer/ and network administrator...

i like punk rock, hardcore, metal, classical music, and goth.....
if your not that superficial then please message me or txt me 000-000-0000 we dont need to end up dating im in no rush at all i just want friends cuz i dont have any I moved here a few months back my GF and I broke and now i have nobody at all.... im lonely and my profile is empty because i kinda lost hope and was about to delete it.

im a nerd so idk if you will message me but i hope so please

I'm not even sure where to begin. No, wait, I know- don't lie. You obviously didn't read my profile, because there's no way to find out my identity unless I respond to your message. Most of these messages that I've received have been along the lines of Hey, neat, a mystery woman... how intriguing. It says you like beer, so what's your favorite? I'm a fan of imperial stouts myself. So that's strike one, buddy. Even if your message wasn't full of RUN AWAY! and KILL IT WITH FIRE vibes, you completely alienated me by pretending to have read and enjoyed my profile.

Next, I'd say including your full name, workplace, and actual telephone number. That's just silly and careless, especially since you don't even know who I am. You haven't even had a chance to read my profile and look at my pics to see if I'm an obvious scammer, or hooker, or whacked-out nutjob. Sure, you still run across some crazies who were able to mask it in their emails or IMs, but the really crazy ones out themselves pretty quick. You've just opened the door to all sorts of unpleasantries- shit, if I were bored and slightly more cruel, I could just start randomly texting you that God knows what you're doing..... and you'll have to atone for your sins shortly, as the end of days is nigh. Nobody wants that.

But worse than being careless with your personal information, your entire message smacks of desperation. It's normal to feel lonely in a new town, when you've just recently broken up with your girlfriend, and it's not even necessarily desperate to tell people that. I've seen plenty of profiles and messages that say I'm new to the area, and I'm just looking to meet people so I can have conversations with someone other than my coworkers and my cat. Except that the way you say it, it makes me think you're so unhappy with yourself you can't even stand your own company, and need other people to reassure you or distract you from how much you suck.

And don't beg. Don't ever beg someone to message you, or hang out with you, or call you. I know you feel inferior, but no one on earth is so much cooler than you that you have to beg for their company. The only difference between you and everyone else is that most people hide their insecurities and doubts from the rest of the world. It's a facade they only discard when they're among good friends. And by sharing your insecurities with perfect strangers, you're forcing them into a sort of intimacy with you that they don't necessarily want.

And that's why people, myself included, are completely squicked out by your messages.

A Decade in the Making?

Oh look, an update finally! I know, I'm a bad blogger. I just haven't had much time or anything really interesting to tell.

So I was cruising my favorite dating site the other day, and one of my matches had that air of familiarity about him. I checked out his profile, and I do in fact know this guy, although I haven't seen him in close to 10 years.

Here's the backstory. I was (well, sorta still am) a punk rocker. Went to all the shows, got drunk in alleys, pissed in public, that whole thing. And when I was 15 or 16 I met this guy, who'd come to shows occasionally, named Danny. Fun to hang out with, but I didn't see him very often because he lived about 50 miles away, so he'd only come down for the really major shows.

Fast forward 3 years. I'm 19, and Joey Ramone has just died. My local punk rock venue hosted a Ramones tribute show, and who do I run into but Danny. I hadn't seen him in a while, but we hung out and exchanged numbers and made plans to hang out some more, as now he only lived about 20 miles away. He was going to college in the next city over.

I went down to his place, and got drunk with him and his (female) roommate. Things were going well, there seemed to be a mutual attraction between Danny and I, so I took the opportunity to ask his roommate if he was single when he went to the bathroom. She answered in the affirmative. Sweet.

Sometime later she announced she was tired and went to bed. Danny and I were rather close on the couch at this point, and we began to make out. Shortly thereafter, we moved things to his bedroom. All of a sudden, just as things are getting good, the roommate knocked on the door and urgently asked Danny to come out. I overheard a bit of their conversation, and it seems that she needed to go to the emergency room, but she said she's fine to drive herself.

Danny returned and explained. She had some super crazy genetic disease that only, like, 14 people on the planet have. She got sick a lot, spent a lot of time in the hospital, yadda yadda. This was apparently a typical Friday night for her. But, of course, that killed the mood, so nothing more happened.

Soon after this night, Danny left to go on an archaeology dig in Ireland. We kept in contact over the phone, and I sent him a care package with some mixed CDs and his favorite (unattainable in Ireland) cigarettes. I was all excited to see him when he returned 6 weeks later.

That didn't work out so well. Turns out he had had a brief fling with his roommate, and she was super duper crazy. When he got back she told him she was pregnant, which I believe to be a total fabrication based on my not very scientific opinion that someone who's as sick as she was probably doesn't even have a functional uterus. Either way, that situation was too much for him to deal with, so he broke things off with me.

Damn, that sucked. But either way, nearly a decade later, he popped up as one of my matches. I sent him a message, hoping he'll remember me. He does. We started chatting, and it seems we have as much (if not more) in common as ever, and we've made plans to get together for a drink Friday night.

Woot! Hope there's no crazy roommates to deal with this time.

First Impressions: Your Username (Part One of a Series)

Your username, along with a tiny (and often indecipherable) thumbnail, is the first thing people people see when browsing the dating site or checking their inbox. So, you know, it's kind of important.

Let's take mine, for example. It's the first album my favorite band ever released, and also one of my favorite usernames for a bit of irony we won't mention (for that would give it away, and I don't want the word getting out that I'm ruthlessly mocking these guys!). But it works in two ways. Fans of said band will recognize me as a fellow fan, which is a point in my favor. Those who are unfamiliar with the band will see a unique username (you'll never get it confused with anyone else, I promise). Win-win.

There seem to be 4 general categories of usernames- Variations on Your Given Name, Descriptive, Humorous, and Dating Site Cliches.

Variations on Your Given Name

These tend to be pretty neutral, and usually look something like this: JohnnyMac26, JimmyinFl, etj07, etc. They really only work against you if you have a name with negative connotations (I'm looking at you, Francis. And you too, Gunther.) But they lack something, and tend to be forgettable. A better tactic is to include a humorous or descriptive statement with your name- BrandonSaysNo, jaredlovestacos, MayhemJay.

Descriptive

These tend to be pretty successful, because they entice potential suitors to view your profile. I'm lumping a lot of things in this category, including any references to your interests or hobbies (such as taking the name of your favorite fictional character, or your favorite band's first album as the case may be) or your personality, or in very limited circumstances, physical descriptors. Some examples of good descriptive usernames: IHearTheMusic, mythologyprof, ArizonArtist, DCAdventurer. For the physical descriptors, you have to be careful- I don't want to know how hot you are, how big your cock is, or how sculpted your abs are. DasBeard, gingermenace, fireeyedblamp. They reference neutral physical characteristics- facial hair, hair color, eyes.

Humorous

Pretty self-explanatory- puns, pop-culture references, wordplay. I enjoy armyofdorkness and HommeSkillet.


Dating Site Cliches

I probably won't answer you, BlueEyedPoetic, DarkRomantic, FLGentleman, or niceguy4u. [anything]4u is the quickest way to get a "pass!" from me, I have an irrational hatred of that cliche. I would hope that being an outdoorsman, gentleman, nice guy, chef, poet, or musician is something you do for yourself, not to get dates. Likewise, I am very suspicious of guys with usernames that tell me how romantic, sweet, cuddly, or poetic they are. Women aren't nearly so gullible, guys, and you can demonstrate your generous, sensitive side through words and actions rather than usernames.

Really Bad Ideas

The aforementioned references to your penis, your sexual prowess, your hotness, etc. I would have thought that was obvious, but I still see FantasyFuking, goodatsex, and RonJeremyJr. Note: anyone who publicly announces their skill in the sack probably sucks more than a Hanoi whore, and anyone who proclaims their hotness immediately becomes the opposite of hot.

Stay tuned for the next part of the First Impressions series- how your profile picture prevents you from getting laid.

Turning the Tables

Let's examine a different perspective- guys who are completely disappointed in me.

That's me. As you can see, I may not exactly conform to society's feminine ideal. This is a photo I currently have on my dating profile, but until I conscripted a friend to do a photo shoot for me, all I had were head shots. I thought the chubby cheeks would give me away, but apparently I was wrong.

There were several dates where it was obvious that the guys were expecting someone thinner, and after a couple of hours of polite conversation we called it a night and that was the end of it. But one guy in particular...

A little backstory. I'd chatted with this guy (we'll call him Ben) about our similar musical tastes. I asked him out for coffee one evening on a day that I had inadvertently double-booked myself. I had an afternoon date with one guy, and an evening date with Ben. So I rushed back from my afternoon date (with an awesome guy, Evan, that I ended up dating for a couple of months) to meet Ben.

It became obvious to me about 20 minutes into the date that Ben kind of sucked. First off, he wasn't as attractive as I thought he'd be- a let-down, but not a deal-breaker. He had this really huge nose, a la Cyranno de Bergerac. Although it managed to be pretty photogenic- still don't understand that one. But he was, well, lame.

Lame like, sheltered. I mean, if your idea of a *crazy funny* story is how one night, you dispatched a tow truck to a really drunk guy.... *crickets* ....um, yeah. Wow, I would never be able to introduce you to my friends, because you're a weenie. Also, lame as in, oblivious. He kept raising his voice over the noise from the acoustic band that was playing, despite glares from the audience and snide comments from the barista. Geez, did you ever think that all these people huddled appreciatively around this band might be here to enjoy them? And until we get our drinks and go sit outside, maybe it would be best to keep conversation to a minimum since you're obviously unable to keep your freaking voice down?

So, I say to myself, have a cup of coffee, chat for an hour or two, then go home and ignore his calls. I do a lot of that, no big deal. But apparently, I was too hideous for him to even look at. Or he was ashamed to be sitting at a coffee shop with such a disgusting fatty. Or something.

Maybe 15 minutes into the date, he gets a text message. Oh, ha ha, look, my friend sent me a funny picture of a luchador. He sends a quick response, and apologizes for the interruption. I think nothing of it. But then, 10 minutes later or so, he gets a phone call. *Exaggerated puzzled face* "Wait.. why is he calling me? I told him I was on a date... I'm sorry, I have to take this, it might be important."

OK, fine, I'm gonna get me a sammich. I overhear his theatrical response to whatever's being said- "What happened? What do you mean? *gasp* OMG!" He runs up, says, "I'm so sorry, I had a lovely time, but I've got an emergency and I've got to go. We should do this again sometime," and he rushes out the door.

Huh. So I don't have to spend another hour wondering how the hell you stumbled upon such great bands, yet manage to suck so badly? Cool. But then I started thinking, about the text message, and the melodramatic phone call, etc. He had an escape plan for lame dates! And he used it on me.

Dude. Superlame.

Why Are They So Persistent?

Here's the deal. A few emails, or even one date, do not create some sort of 'relationship.' You do not need to 'break up' with the guy you went on an awkward date with. In fact, I think it would be strange to tell someone, "Hey, you seem cool, but you just don't do it for me," unless you've a) gone on several (like, more than 3) dates or b) had sex.

I go on a lot of dates. Sometimes, the guys are totally normal, just not quite what I was looking for. When this happens, I just don't call them back, and don't make future plans. But sometimes, even after a long period without communication or encouragement, they still try. And I don't get this.

For instance, DJ. Very intelligent and thoughtful messages led to a date for coffee. But I realized, a little ways into the date, that I didn't find him attractive. For me, this has more to do with someone's personality than their looks. He was objectively fairly cute, but several things turned me off. First, he was quite a bit (10 years) older than I am. Now, that's not a deal breaker right off the bat, in fact I secretly have a crush on another guy who is also 10 years older than I am. However, we have to be in roughly the same place in our lives for this to work, and DJ just.... wasn't. I couldn't imagine him going to the places I like to frequent, or if he did, looking very out of place. Also, he was religious. I'm a bit put off by someone who refers to Christianity as "my faith." Plenty of people out there identify as Christians because that's all they know, but referring to it in such a fashion tells me he's fairly serious, and I don't like that. Not to mention that the comment was basically, "Well, that's why I like my faith, it's obviously so much better than Islam." Totally uncool, I have a soft spot for the Middle East, and I get really annoyed by the way it's perceived in the west.

I thought DJ was an all right guy, and might be fun to hang out with platonically, so I tentatively made plans for another date. As the day approached, however, I had legitimate issues that prevented me from getting together with DJ. I told him, and he offered a raincheck. But the longer I thought about it, the less I wanted to. He obviously was interested romantically, and I didn't want to deal with that, so when he texted me asking what I was doing with my 3-day weekend (working two doubles and trying to catch up on homework, Happy Labor Day!) I ignored it.

I figured that was enough... I mean, if I were interested I would have contacted him at some point in the last few days, right? But no, he sent me another text message tonight while I was in class, asking if I wanted to get together soon.

I'm sort of baffled by all this. If a guy stops responding to me for some reason, I assume that means he's no longer interested. I just don't invest much until there's something to invest in, and a single date and a few IMs are not enough to do that. I go on dates with guys to eliminate the weirdos and crazies and uncool. Once you pass that test, *then* I decide whether or not I want to pursue a relationship with you.

I have no illusions that the way people present themselves online (or the way I perceive them) is the way they actually are in real life. That's what coffee dates are for.

But why is it that so many of these guys want to pursue a relationship when (IMO) we're obviously not compatible and have no chemistry? Is it just because they're horny bastards and think I'm cute? WTF?

My first online stalker

This all started when I first signed up. I got a message from a guy who lived about two hours away from me, and we talked a bit, but obviously the distance was an issue. But, he seemed nice, so we were friends on MySpace and chatted on AIM occasionally.

Then I started dating someone exclusively, and sort of forgot about this guy (we'll call him David). But, when that relationship didn't work out we started talking again. I thought to myself, why not push yourself a little? I had a friend who was dating someone in this distant city also, so I figured I'd hitch a ride with her when she went to visit her boyfriend and actually meet this David character I'd been casually chatting with for the better part of 6 months.

We exchanged phone numbers, and that's when the problems started. I'm not a big phone fan, so most of my calls are under 5-10 minutes and usually involve no more discussion than what's the plan for tonight/where should we meet/can you return that book I lent you.

David, however, wanted to talk for hours. Literally. He'd call, and we'd start talking, and despite my having plans, he'd suck me into to these long and, eventually, boring conversations. I'd try to gently let him go, and he'd get disappointed that I couldn't spend the entire afternoon on the phone. And then he'd call back, 3 hours later, after spending an hour talking to me already.

I started selectively answering my phone, and he got crazier. He'd call 4, 5, 6 times a day.

That freaked me right out. We'd tentatively made plans for the upcoming weekend, and he started talking like we were already dating. He wanted me to spend the night, and he talked about future cuddling and sex like it was going to happen. I don't know, until I actually meet and interact with a person, if I'm going to want to do it to them, so I certainly don't make those sorts of assumptions.

So I decided I wasn't going to meet him, since he seemed like a freaky-deaky-crazy-pants. And he continued to call, 8 times a day, and I avoided him, hoping he'd get the hint. I didn't really want to talk to him, and since we hadn't even met yet I figured the old avoidance tactic would do it.

It didn't. I had to send him a message so he'd get it. I told him he was freaking me and out seemed clingy and weird.

And the kicker- he still wanted to be "friends." Like we had any sort of history that would make that normal! No, dude, you're just a weird guy that I talked to online, thinking you were normal. Once you revealed your crazy, you forfeited all rights to talk to me.

I should have told him that, but I just told him it would make me uncomfortable. Then I blocked him on AIM and the dating website. Thank goodness he doesn't know where I live.