Ridiculous Profiles: A Study

My Self-Summary

I am a renaissance archetype. From obtaining a sense of my body through martial arts, competitive swimming, and various other activities, my physical prowess has not fallen short whatsoever. I'm am an NASM certified personal trainer with a Bachelors in Economics. Yes I know what you are thinking... the latter is a morbid study to pursue. However, the knowledge obtained was quite immense, I assure you.

Everything in life to me aside from love, family, and self interest rests in the pursuit of Truth and Wisdom. I have labored diligently through maxims (though not without digression) and will continue to do so in order to obtain the mind, body, and soul that will be looked upon with joy at the time of my deathbed. I am a very affectionate person who loves to kiss for long periods of time, so if you are not the touchy type, don't bother.

Please, let's look at some of the ridiculous-ness in detail. "Renaissance archetype." I don't recall Jung mentioning that one, but maybe he means it in the sense of epitome. We'll let that slide for now, but that strikes me as someone trying to show off some big words he learned in college.

"Obtaining a sense of my body through blah blah blah" sounds a bit strange to me, but clunky writing isn't the worst thing in the world. Oh, wait, here's a good one- "my physical prowess has not fallen short whatsoever." Fallen short of what? Society's ideals? Your own expectations? Are you trying to say you're in good shape? Because it's not working.

"The knowledge obtained was quite immense, I assure you." Oh, yeah, yeah, definitely starting to sound like a show-off. And the worst kind of show-off-- one who isn't very good at the skill he's putting on display.

How admirable that you pursue "Truth and Wisdom." Are you German, perhaps? Or just channeling Emily Dickinson?

"Labored diligently through maxims." No. What? Just, no. "that will be looked upon with joy at the time of my deathbed." Once again, no. I think you need to review not only subject/verb agreement, but also prepositional phrases and how not to sound like an ass.

What I’m doing with my life

If not for my disdain for modern academia, the pursuit to be a scholar would reign. For now, my thirst for knowledge is overcome with an inclination to get involved with social justice. I have been accepted to the law school of my choosing in Florida, but after graduating and hanging out a few months in Clearwater, I am dreading getting stuck in this semi-tropic region with complacent individuals. Needless to say, I still wish to get involved with malpractice law and one day become a Judge, though I may just end up in international business with a Bilingual background in Turkish. The DC area is what I'm looking at for now, Virginia, Maryland, etc. Part time accounting, personal training, and internships are my harvest zones at the moment until law/graduate school is completed. If I go to DC though, a 40k+ salary is waiting for me. Yet, I would still rather invest in my future and start at a base pay of at least 70k.

Practical affairs aside, I am advancing my skills and passions that have been delayed by the momentum of the busy life.

"The pursuit to be a scholar would reign." Once again, clunky. The first half of your sentences don't match the last half. Are you using a make-me-sound-like-an-ass sentence generator?

Overcome by. As I said, review prepositions. You can't just sprinkle them in there willy-nilly.

Harvest zones? Douchebag.

The first things people usually notice about me

Eyes, Arms, Chest. Unfortunately for me, I get mistaken as a smug and arrogant jock just because I stand up straight and carry myself with confidence. In social scenes, I attract all the wrong women and the ones I seek for their modesty and character shy away. Well then, that explains why I am making a profile on here. Now I can see how women write, and believe me this helps a bunch in weeding out da girlies wit ez peezeeee shorthand and nothing to propose of themselves.

Mistaken for. By the way, I don't think it's your posture that makes you seem smug and arrogant. And what the hell does "nothing to propose of themselves" mean, anyway?

My favorite books, movies, music, and food

Hmm I read a lot... probably more so than the classic nerd archetype of whom you would expect, but I also do not read excessively. I'm not compensating for anything however, for I love knowledge truly. It is an ascension from the abyss of a shadow world, a break from the unconscious automatons of cognitive dissonance, and a release from existing in a reactionary state of being. Human beings have a sense of time and therefore are not animals, but divine vessels of thought. "And further, by these, my son, be admonished: making many books there is no end; and much study is a weariness of the flesh" -- King Solomon; The Torah {Eccl 12:12}.

You can go ahead and skip reading this part-
I enjoy the many works of Zecharia Sitchin, Plato, Saint Augustine, Immanuel Kant, Alduous Huxley, Carl Jung, Soren Kierkegaard, Arthur Schopenhauer, St. John of the Cross, David Hume, Dostoevsky, Aleister Crowley, William James, G.K. Chesterton, George Orwell, and more.

Movies- The Count de Monte Cristo and various others. I only mention this one because I love its thematic elements and passion.

Music- Jazz, Smooth Jazz, Trance, Flamenco, Classical, Meditative, New Age, some Industrial, Solfeggio frequencies, Old 70's rock, Some 80s and 90s stuff (hey I was a kid, I'll sing em all). Artists- Dave Brubeck, John Coltrane, Peter White, Sade, Infected Mushroom, Tiesto, Vicente Amigo, Paco de Lucia, Tomatito, Mozart, Beethoven, The Kronos Quartet, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, The Beetles, Santana, The Police, Queen, Steve Roach, and the list goes on.

Food- I'm type 0 blood so I crave meat often. Alaskan Salmon is considered the best meat there is on the planet for its low mercury content and rich nutrients... I do prefer this meal (ahem, for ladies who know how to cook :). My knowledge of foods, health, and preventative cancer treatments is vast without question. I own and use a 3-horse power blender all the time. It is able to blend a tree stem and hard metals. YES, it is the most powerful blender on the market. The ancients spent hours grinding parts of fruits just to extract phytochemicals necessary to assist the body in fighting illnesses. As a personal trainer that actually reads, I can give great advice for health beyond what most physicians will offer you.

There's that archetype again. As for the rest, you sound like a prick. You're telling me you can give me better advice than a doctor? Someone who devoted the better part of a decade to learning about medicine? What'd you do? Oh, that's right, read some books. And apparently believe that different blood types crave different foods. *ahem* Cite?

The six things I could never do without

Food + Water
Shelter
Health
Will Power
Access to Information
Lips

I spend a lot of time thinking about

The design of the Great Work of Creation before me, my brother, mother, and father's happiness. Also, the well-being friends that I love unconditionally. Other than my gratitude for what I have (since novelties fade quickly), I reflect heavily on historical themes and the non-linear repetition of such.

On a typical Friday night I am

Out with friends enjoying the world.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit here

Ooo lala, talk of secrets. I'm a lot more playful than what I project. Hmm, I have a thing for a proportional butt, legs, and feet.

You should message me if

...you wish to be satiated. I have been blessed to have had many people, both friends and ex-gfs, approach me and tell me that I have touched them so deeply that they feel changed forever. Most of learning is unlocking what is already inside of you sleeping, and one needs guidance through subtlety to see it through. I'm no mug filling an empty jug as you sit passively, no no... I have gifts.

Well I'm sorry to say you won't be filling me with an empty jug or whatever the hell your kink is.

Some People Just Don't Get the Message

Yes, this Nick character turned out to be very persistent. So he wanted me to elaborate on why I thought he was socially awkward. Even after ignoring his response, he continued to message me.

*crickets*

Fine, you wanna know why I think you're socially awkward? Let's see... you don't put your hands all over someone you've just met, especially when they're noticeably uncomfortable with that. You don't talk in a baby voice, ever, after the age of puberty, and you don't continue to harass someone who's obviously not interested. Fuck off.

He didn't respond after I sent him the above message. Yet, he still stalked my profile at 3AM. Sigh.

An Important Announcement

What I'm about to say may come as a great shock to you. In fact, maybe it's best if you sit down first. Go ahead, find a nice squishy chair. I'll wait.

Ready?

The internet obscures one's ability to judge the loserosity of other people.

No, really! I mean, it's pretty obvious if someone talks about their 647 hand-painted WarHammer figures, how the only "people" who truly understand them are their 8 incredibly adorable kittehs!, or how they've never felt the need to relocate from Mom's basement.

But sometimes you'll come across a profile that seems so... cool. They list politics among their interests. On a typical Friday night, they mention, they're liable to be hanging around a local coffee shop with their buds. Their pictures aren't the typical flaw-obscuring MySpace angle, nor the me-standing-in-front-of-my-bathroom-mirror cliche. No, they're taken by other people, who you assume must be their friends.

Oftentimes, these guys are able to sustain intelligent electronic communications. Their messages sound witty, and IMs confirm that they are able to maintain that wittiness in real time.

So what do you do if you stumble across one of these guys while trolling an online dating site? If you're me, you ask them out for coffee.

I invited a guy (we'll call him Nick) out for coffee after a week of IMing and whatnot. I had high hopes, unlike a lot of the dates I go on, where I push myself to give guys a chance that I wouldn't normally consider dating otherwise. I'm "expanding my horizons," or some bullshit. But this guy, I thought, this might be something.

It certainly was.

I find myself at Starbucks a little early, so I grab an Earl Grey latte and hang out. A few minutes later, here Nick comes. First impression? Hmm, slumpy posture and an oddly bouncy walk. Also, horrible shaggy hair. But still, high hopes, we had such fun conversations on AIM.

I approach. The moment I do so, he demands a hug. Not just any hug, no, he demands that I put down my "coffee"- come on, put down your coffee!- so I can give him a good hug. Wha?? I put down my tea, rather hesitantly. He grabs me in a bear hug, then (I think) demands that I pick him up. Lift. C'mon, lift! -he says. Ah well, next time I suppose.

I'm instantly squicked out. I love personal space, unless I know you very well. The first 5 minutes after meeting an internet stranger? Not feeling so touchy-feely. And it only gets worse. For the next hour, he's constantly trying to touch me in some way. Poking my stomach, or insisting that I flex so he can feel my biceps or calves. When I refuse, he accuses me of being uncomfortable about my body. No, asswipe, I'm just not comfortable with a stranger trying to put his hands all over it. He even grabbed my hand under the pretense of comparing hand sizes, then interlaced his fingers with mine and pulled me towards him. Like I really want to be holding hands with you! I pulled away.

Worse still, the conversation gets a little creepy. He occasionally slips into a baby voice, the kind you might adopt with your dog or, if you were feeling silly, your SO. Let me tell you, that's reeeeeally weird in a virtual stranger. And there I sit, mortified that there are other people nearby who might actually overhear this conversation.

Eventually he excuses himself to go to the bathroom. An opportunity! Maybe I can escape! Just as I survey the area to see if I can make a run for it, he returns. I, however, have had enough of this nightmare, so I have an excuse ready.

*Yaaaaaawn* Oh my, I'm so tired and I still have so much homework to do. I think I need to go.

I thought he got the message. The date had lasted an hour at best. Even mildly boring dates get more than that. He said goodbye rather coldly and left without attempting to hug me again. Big sigh of relief.

But then, not an hour later, he texted me. So got your out, happy? it read. As friends pointed out, that's not even English, but I got the point. Yes, thank you, I was happy with my out. I ignored him. But then, the next day, he sent another text message that read simply, Hi. At this point, flabbergasted that he still did not understand, and with some urging from friends, I replied, "Sorry, my out is got of my happy. In my out is of then you which whom are the in. In your whether is not my in, so out of out is your happy. Sad?"

He didn't get it, he thought I was being cute. I ignored the texts.

But then he IMed me tonight, with another Hi. Time to be more blunt. I replied that I was, in fact, happy with my out. Oh, how so? Honestly, you're socially awkward and, I'd imagine, rather clingy. Not my bag. Sowwy.

But now he wants me to elaborate. I just can't win.

Introductions are in order; then, onto ranting!

I've been on a self-improvement kick lately. For most of my life I've felt generally unsure of myself, been uncomfortable around strangers, and judged myself very harshly. In order to change that, I've dedicated myself to a few tasks to help me conquer my fears and channel my natural nervous energy into productive outlets.

I decided to:

• train for a 5k
• promote my writing and artwork
• join a dating site

The 5k training is going all right, with some occasional twinges in my bad knee. I'll work it out. Writing and painting are coming along splendidly, I only wish I had more time to devote to them. Online dating is proving to be a little bit.... interesting.

For the most part, I've already accomplished what I set out to do by signing up, i.e. becoming more comfortable around new people. I've gone on a couple of dozen dates, actually had a couple of short-term proto-relationships, and made a few new friends.

Some of my experiences, however, make me want to weep for humanity, bar my windows, or smack someone. I felt they were too ridiculous not to be shared.

So grab a chair, make some popcorn, and enjoy the show.