An Important Announcement

What I'm about to say may come as a great shock to you. In fact, maybe it's best if you sit down first. Go ahead, find a nice squishy chair. I'll wait.

Ready?

The internet obscures one's ability to judge the loserosity of other people.

No, really! I mean, it's pretty obvious if someone talks about their 647 hand-painted WarHammer figures, how the only "people" who truly understand them are their 8 incredibly adorable kittehs!, or how they've never felt the need to relocate from Mom's basement.

But sometimes you'll come across a profile that seems so... cool. They list politics among their interests. On a typical Friday night, they mention, they're liable to be hanging around a local coffee shop with their buds. Their pictures aren't the typical flaw-obscuring MySpace angle, nor the me-standing-in-front-of-my-bathroom-mirror cliche. No, they're taken by other people, who you assume must be their friends.

Oftentimes, these guys are able to sustain intelligent electronic communications. Their messages sound witty, and IMs confirm that they are able to maintain that wittiness in real time.

So what do you do if you stumble across one of these guys while trolling an online dating site? If you're me, you ask them out for coffee.

I invited a guy (we'll call him Nick) out for coffee after a week of IMing and whatnot. I had high hopes, unlike a lot of the dates I go on, where I push myself to give guys a chance that I wouldn't normally consider dating otherwise. I'm "expanding my horizons," or some bullshit. But this guy, I thought, this might be something.

It certainly was.

I find myself at Starbucks a little early, so I grab an Earl Grey latte and hang out. A few minutes later, here Nick comes. First impression? Hmm, slumpy posture and an oddly bouncy walk. Also, horrible shaggy hair. But still, high hopes, we had such fun conversations on AIM.

I approach. The moment I do so, he demands a hug. Not just any hug, no, he demands that I put down my "coffee"- come on, put down your coffee!- so I can give him a good hug. Wha?? I put down my tea, rather hesitantly. He grabs me in a bear hug, then (I think) demands that I pick him up. Lift. C'mon, lift! -he says. Ah well, next time I suppose.

I'm instantly squicked out. I love personal space, unless I know you very well. The first 5 minutes after meeting an internet stranger? Not feeling so touchy-feely. And it only gets worse. For the next hour, he's constantly trying to touch me in some way. Poking my stomach, or insisting that I flex so he can feel my biceps or calves. When I refuse, he accuses me of being uncomfortable about my body. No, asswipe, I'm just not comfortable with a stranger trying to put his hands all over it. He even grabbed my hand under the pretense of comparing hand sizes, then interlaced his fingers with mine and pulled me towards him. Like I really want to be holding hands with you! I pulled away.

Worse still, the conversation gets a little creepy. He occasionally slips into a baby voice, the kind you might adopt with your dog or, if you were feeling silly, your SO. Let me tell you, that's reeeeeally weird in a virtual stranger. And there I sit, mortified that there are other people nearby who might actually overhear this conversation.

Eventually he excuses himself to go to the bathroom. An opportunity! Maybe I can escape! Just as I survey the area to see if I can make a run for it, he returns. I, however, have had enough of this nightmare, so I have an excuse ready.

*Yaaaaaawn* Oh my, I'm so tired and I still have so much homework to do. I think I need to go.

I thought he got the message. The date had lasted an hour at best. Even mildly boring dates get more than that. He said goodbye rather coldly and left without attempting to hug me again. Big sigh of relief.

But then, not an hour later, he texted me. So got your out, happy? it read. As friends pointed out, that's not even English, but I got the point. Yes, thank you, I was happy with my out. I ignored him. But then, the next day, he sent another text message that read simply, Hi. At this point, flabbergasted that he still did not understand, and with some urging from friends, I replied, "Sorry, my out is got of my happy. In my out is of then you which whom are the in. In your whether is not my in, so out of out is your happy. Sad?"

He didn't get it, he thought I was being cute. I ignored the texts.

But then he IMed me tonight, with another Hi. Time to be more blunt. I replied that I was, in fact, happy with my out. Oh, how so? Honestly, you're socially awkward and, I'd imagine, rather clingy. Not my bag. Sowwy.

But now he wants me to elaborate. I just can't win.