I found this little gem in my inbox today. I can't even comment on it except to say, wow.
so there you would be laying on that hammock looking out to the water at a beach resort, and i walk up and say, im sorry to bother you, but I have never seen a woman as beautiful as you. And I notice you are finishing a drink and I say, can I have the pleasure of buying you another? and you reply, well i really shouldn't but ok. So I walk away but as I walk away I cant keep my eyes off you and I trip, then I look back to see if you saw what happened and we both smile in a laughing way. When I get back you hold your hand out to grasp the glass saying thank you but I say, a queen like you need not hold the glass herself let me hold it for you while you sip and I hold the glass close enough for you taste it, its at that time I notice how your beautiful lips wrap around the straw and I think to myself how sexy and soft they look.
A few minutes go buy and the sun has just set into the water and you say, I am feeling so achy from this hammock, I think I an going to go back to my hotel room and relax. Then I ask you if you would like me to rub you down because I cant bare to see a woman like you in any pain, mentally or physically. You reply, I would love that, and you hand me your room key and tell me to show up in 20 minutes and just let myself in.
20 minutes later I unlock your room door and come in to discover you lying in the bed face down with just a sheet covering you and you seem tired and on the verge of falling asleep. I sit on the edge of the bed and softly stroke your hair and you realize im there and say, I thought you would never get here, and you point to some baby oil on the dresser and say, I need to be pampered. Unable to deny your commands, I walk over and get the oil and I see your pretty feet sticking out from under the sheet at the end of the bed.
Its at that time I grab the sheet and slowly pull it off your body revealing that you are naked. Almost drooling at the sight of you feminine skin I start to lightly stroke and touch you with my fingertips all over your back and legs. after a couple minutes I open the oil and slowly start letting it drip out of the bottle in little drops all over you, I know you are enjoying it from the soft sounds you are making. Then when your body is covered in oil i start with rubbing your feet, there is soft latin music on and the lights are dim.
as I move up your legs I cant believe how soft your skin is and I tell you that. After your legs I decide I need to put more oil on you so I get the bottle again and I start squeezing some out on your back and some of the oil runs down the crack of your buttock and you make a soft gasping sound that almost sounds orgasmic, then I rub your back taking my time on your neck and shoulders and then your arms. Then I say how did that feel? and you say, it feels so good, then I gently roll you over on your back and again i start with your feet rubbing oil all over them, then slowly up your legs and belly.
Then when I get to your chest I feel like i need permission so i ask, may I rub oil on your perfect breasts? and you say you dont have a choice you are going to do it, and I pour a big handful of oil into my hand and start softly caressing them paying allot of attention to your nipples as they become more and more hard as I go. After the oil massage I take you by the hand into the bathroom and give you a bath to get all the oil off of your precious body.
That would probably be a lot less creepy if he'd just sent it to Penthouse instead of some strange girl on the Internet.
I know I haven't updated in forever, but on a whim I checked my inbox and couldn't help but share. See, the dating site has a mystery match app, whereby they send you a notification that they've found someone who's a good match, who fits your parameters, and who also lists X as an interest, just like you do. So you send them a message about X, without knowing who you're messaging. The recipient will then see your message, and if they like your profile they'll respond. It's a nifty way to start conversations with people without a lot of pressure, because if they don't like your profile and don't respond, you'll never know who it was.I got a message through this service today (it announces it before the message- you were selected as one of this guy's mystery matches). Here is the entire message, with identifying information deleted.hello, my name is michael ---- and i read your profile.... i respect everything you wrote there upon. I currently work at a software developing company named --------- in Orlando... im 23 but i look younger... i have no muscles so im not like the strongest dude around... all im asking is that you chat with me maybe you might like the kinda person i am..... I have my own little condo in altamonte springs and i am a computer programmer/ and network administrator...i like punk rock, hardcore, metal, classical music, and goth.....if your not that superficial then please message me or txt me 000-000-0000 we dont need to end up dating im in no rush at all i just want friends cuz i dont have any I moved here a few months back my GF and I broke and now i have nobody at all.... im lonely and my profile is empty because i kinda lost hope and was about to delete it.im a nerd so idk if you will message me but i hope so pleaseI'm not even sure where to begin. No, wait, I know- don't lie. You obviously didn't read my profile, because there's no way to find out my identity unless I respond to your message. Most of these messages that I've received have been along the lines of Hey, neat, a mystery woman... how intriguing. It says you like beer, so what's your favorite? I'm a fan of imperial stouts myself. So that's strike one, buddy. Even if your message wasn't full of RUN AWAY! and KILL IT WITH FIRE vibes, you completely alienated me by pretending to have read and enjoyed my profile.Next, I'd say including your full name, workplace, and actual telephone number. That's just silly and careless, especially since you don't even know who I am. You haven't even had a chance to read my profile and look at my pics to see if I'm an obvious scammer, or hooker, or whacked-out nutjob. Sure, you still run across some crazies who were able to mask it in their emails or IMs, but the really crazy ones out themselves pretty quick. You've just opened the door to all sorts of unpleasantries- shit, if I were bored and slightly more cruel, I could just start randomly texting you that God knows what you're doing..... and you'll have to atone for your sins shortly, as the end of days is nigh. Nobody wants that.But worse than being careless with your personal information, your entire message smacks of desperation. It's normal to feel lonely in a new town, when you've just recently broken up with your girlfriend, and it's not even necessarily desperate to tell people that. I've seen plenty of profiles and messages that say I'm new to the area, and I'm just looking to meet people so I can have conversations with someone other than my coworkers and my cat. Except that the way you say it, it makes me think you're so unhappy with yourself you can't even stand your own company, and need other people to reassure you or distract you from how much you suck.And don't beg. Don't ever beg someone to message you, or hang out with you, or call you. I know you feel inferior, but no one on earth is so much cooler than you that you have to beg for their company. The only difference between you and everyone else is that most people hide their insecurities and doubts from the rest of the world. It's a facade they only discard when they're among good friends. And by sharing your insecurities with perfect strangers, you're forcing them into a sort of intimacy with you that they don't necessarily want.And that's why people, myself included, are completely squicked out by your messages.
